I found a game on addictinggames.com the other day. It consists of a bunch of dots that have lines connecting them, and you're supposed to move the dots around so that the lines no longer cross. It gets quite difficult at the upper levels, and I have yet to beat the game completely. The name of it is "Untangle." And it's the story of my life.

When I was younger, multiplication tables and playground bruises formed my "dots." In high school, they were more numerous and complicated, like my parents' divorce, the death of an acquaintance, and crushing on someone whom I knew would never like me back. The entire time, I thought that the next "level" would get easier, that I just had to press on and figure out this stage of my life for everything to be fine again. But every time I think I've got it easy, every time I sort out my life most of the way, it only gets harder.

I'm glad to be past the crushing part of my life, but let me tell you: marriage is not a walk in the park. It takes work, and a lot of it. It's a daily walk of patience and grace for both of you, and it's not made easier by being unemployed. Sometimes, I am so stressed about money that I forget that the more important thing is him. Being with him. Through richer or poorer. And we're going to stick it out, surviving somehow, even if it's on potatoes and ramen. (We actually did that once. For a month.) Our relationship may be strained through this, but it will not be broken. It's just one heck of a "dot."

Instead of having my parents divorce to deal with now, I have my dad's wedding. It's not like I dislike her or anything. I just can't bring myself to like her. But it doesn't matter if I like her or not. She's not the problem. It's the idea that, firstly, my parents will never be together again. I knew it before, but now it's final, and that's weird. Secondly, I'm going to have a stepmom. The word just brings up pictures of Cinderella... and a little bit of vomit. I've already made up my mind that she will never be my stepmom. She's my dad's wife. But lastly, and most importantly, it just means change. And I hate change. I'm not ready for it, but it's coming. December 27th.

Finally, while the death of Alex hit me hard, Brianna's death smeared me across the pavement. It's coming close to 21 months (yes, I keep count) and I have yet to sort that one out. It challenged everything I believed in and sent me into a spiralling depression. My grades have suffered, because some days, I can't even bring myself to get out of bed in the morning or do my homework in the evenings. Like now, for example. The aching hole in my chest might have gotten smaller the last two years or so, but it doesn't hurt any less. And the worst part is that I can't talk about it to anyone. It's been too long, and I'm supposed to be over it by now. Who ever set a time frame on grieving, anyhow?

Maybe some day I'll get my life untangled. The one thing I've learned about the game is that it takes a little bit of luck and a lot of persistance. I'm just scared to see what the next level holds.